


What If I Lose It All?

by TheAvengersMascot



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Brothers, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Loki Needs a Hug, One Shot, Past Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-05-16
Packaged: 2018-01-24 22:09:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1618736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAvengersMascot/pseuds/TheAvengersMascot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki wasn't at the funeral. No, instead he showed up at the reception at the house afterwards, drunk off his ass, picking a fight with their father, and embarrassing the whole family. Thor knew his brother was troubled but had no idea how much. With their mother gone, it's up to him to pick up the pieces.</p><p>Thing is, he might already be too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What If I Lose It All?

**Author's Note:**

> All characters belong to Marvel.

Loki didn't come to the funeral. Thor was furious. The one person in their family he claimed to give a damn about and he couldn't be there. It wasn't like the rest of them found it easy. Loki wasn't the only one of them to have lost someone. Their father was barely holding it together. He tried to hide it but Thor saw the cracks. Mistakes in the funeral planning that Thor corrected without saying anything. Mornings where Thor would find him at the kitchen table staring at the space where she always stood making breakfast. Those few times he started to call her name and would catch himself. It wasn't any easier for Thor but since Loki was MIA since the night she died that left him to be the stoic one. How considerate of Loki to wallow in self-pity, leaving Thor alone to pick up the pieces and try to fit what was left together now that one of the biggest pieces, the one that connected all the others, was gone forever.

The reception after his mother's service was at the house. Everywhere Thor turned there was some relative or a family friend telling him what a tragic loss it was, how sorry they were. She would have hated it all, he knew. She wouldn't want everyone feeling sorry. She'd rather they all remember the good things and celebrate them instead of this morbid affair. 

Thor heard a scuffling noise coming from upstairs and was about to go up and investigate when Loki appeared at the top of the stairs. The black suit he wore was rumpled, his tie askew. In his hand was a half-empty bottle of what Thor guessed was vodka. _He must have sneaked in through the back_ , Thor thought.

"Afternoon, brother," Loki slurred. "Sounds like quite the gathering."

Thor climbed the stairs when Loki made no move to come down them. "What the hell is wrong with you? Where have you been?"

"I've been around. I'm *hic* always around," he answered.

"Really? Because I didn't see you 'around' at the funeral, or at all."

Loki smiled and leaned close as if imparting a secret. "Perhaps you should look harder."

He turned to head downstairs but Thor caught his arm. "You aren't going down there like this."

"Like what?" he asked innocently even as he swayed on his feet. Loki was better than anyone at pretending to be sober when he wasn't but even he wasn't going to fool anyone like this.

"Looking and smelling like you took a bath in Smirnoff," Thor replied, trying to pull him back up the stairs.

Loki shook him off while making a 'pffft' sound. "Fuck you. I'm fine."

"No you really aren't." Thor tried to grab him again but even completely sauced, Loki still knew how to dodge him.

"Oh Father dear?" Loki called out, voice carrying down the stairwell and erasing any chance of Thor resolving things quietly.

The sounds of muted conversation stopped. Thor winced and followed Loki down the stairs.

"Fath- oh there you are," Loki said.

Odin was sitting on the couch between his two brothers. He looked smaller than Thor could ever remember seeing him. When he saw Loki, his eyes hardened.

"How dare you?" their father demanded, getting to his feet. "How dare you show your face now, you disrespectful brat!"

"Oh, yes I do dare, _Father_ ," Loki sneered. "And I'm not the disrespectful one. She always said she hated funerals like these. You're the one ignoring her wishes."

"Loki, don't start," Thor cautioned.

"She's dead Loki," Odin went on. "I don't think either of us is in a position to know her wishes."

"I know she's dead," Loki said. His voice was quiet but his tone was sharp and brittle. "And I know whose fault that is."

Thor would forever be shocked by what happened next. Odin swung his fist at Loki's face, connecting solidly with his left cheek. Loki went down, unable to keep his balance in his inebriated state. He fell back on his ass and for a few seconds the only sound to be heard was his laughter. No one else moved or even spoke. Odin wasn't a violent man. Even when he and Loki would get into screaming fights, he never got physical.

"She was my wife and your mother!" Odin bellowed. "If you can't respect me then at least respect her and if you can't do that, then get out of my house!"

"Why Father, I had no idea you were so sentimental," Loki replied, still on the floor.

Knowing things would only get worse if he didn't do something, Thor stepped between them. He gently pushed their father to take a step back before picking Loki up to his feet.

"You need to dry out," he said into Loki's ear. He tried to drag Loki upstairs to his old bedroom but his brother shrugged him off.

"You heard what he said. He wants me gone," Loki announced loud enough for everyone to hear. "And we all know whose word is law." He waved around the room with the hand that was somehow still holding the bottle. "He wants me gone, so gone I'll be. That's what's best for everyone, isn't it? Everyone will be so much better off without the screw-up around. So much fucking happier."

Pulling away from Thor's last attempt to grab him, Loki sidestepped him and went out the front door without another word, leaving only a shocked silence in his wake.

~~~|~~~

Several hours later, Thor was cleaning up the last of the plates and cups strewn about the house. He couldn't get Loki's words out of his head. His brother wasn't known to be overly dramatic. He didn't like being the centre of attention but it seemed like that was what today was all about. Showing up totally hammered and blaming their father for mother's death in front of everyone? It was a car accident and Loki knew that. What the hell was with the theatrics?

Grief affects everyone differently but today's events were so far out of character for Loki that Thor didn't know what to think. He was pissed off his brother couldn't set aside his issues with their father for even one day. One day! The day of her funeral for god's sake. Loki was selfish at times but this really crossed the line. Mother was the only one he ever listened to, that had to mean something. He cared for her, Thor knew he did. So why was he being such an ass?

Tying the last bag of garbage, Thor took it outside with the rest. Then he sat down on the back step and put his head in his hands. How would they ever get through this? Mother was the one who knew how to keep them all in check. Three strong-willed (she would say pig-headed) men and she could wrangle them all. Things were already falling apart without her. Loki was drinking, he and father came to blows, and Thor hadn't been able to do anything about either one. He could try, but if he couldn't hold them all together, who would?

With a sigh, he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. He forgot to turn it back on after the service finished. After it powered up, the screen filled up with notifications. Four missed calls and one voice message, all from Loki. Thor had half a mind to ignore them all, he was so sick of his brother's shit. The last thing he wanted was to listen to the results of his drunk dialing. He would have put the phone away and not given it another thought but he was suddenly struck by the memory of sitting in this very spot, having a talk with his mother.

_"He's so annoying. Why can't he just leave me and my friends alone?" Thor's twelve year-old self whined._

_"I know he can be frustrating dear," Frigga sympathized. "But you have lots of friends and only one brother. If you push him away I know you'll regret it later._

_"But he's such a baby."_

_"Thor, do not speak about your brother like that," she admonished. "I know he's younger and right now that difference seems huge but when you two are older, you'll hardly notice it. In the meantime, be the good big brother I know you are and have a little patience. One day both of you will be glad you did. Will you try for me?"_

_"I'll try," he promised._

_"That's my good boy." Without any warning, she wrapped him up in a hug and pressed a kiss to his cheek._

_Thor squirmed in her arms. "Eww, Mooooom!"_

_"Oh, humour me darling," she said, ruffling his hair. "I won't be able to do that forever."_

Thor rubbed his face with his hand. She would hate seeing them fight. She'd hate it even more if he didn't try to fix things. Gritting his teeth, he hit the button to retrieve Loki's message. The first sound he heard was of ragged breathing. It went on so long he nearly hung up but then his brother's voice came on.

_I can't do this anymore... I just can't..._

Thor sat up a little straighter. Loki sounded like he was crying.

_it's all my fault... I can't take it... I don't know how... without her... oh god it's my fault... I'm sorry Thor... I'm sorry but I can't do this... it's my fault and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... but it's meaningless... I can't undo it... I can't bring her back... I can't... I don't want to hurt anyone else... all I do is hurt people... I'm so tired of it... I don't want to do it anymore... so I won't... I won't ever again... I'm putting an end to it... I'm sorry..._

Thor was up and running out front to his car before the message finished. He almost ripped the handle off his car door with his urgency. Jamming the key into the ignition, he floored it out of the driveway. 

Loki left the message an hour ago. If he was planning on doing what it sounded like, Thor might already be too late. No, he couldn't think that. He couldn't lose his mother and brother in the same week.

Heart in his throat, Thor broke every speed limit on the way to his brother's apartment. Mercifully, there were no police along the route. It only occurred to him as he pulled up in front of the building that Loki might not be there. He left the message from his own mobile phone, he could be anywhere.

Praying Loki was there, and that he wasn't too late, Thor ran up the steps, blowing past the woman who held the door open for him without pausing to thank her. Bypassing the elevator, he ran up the four flights of stairs to Loki's floor.

_I'm not too late. Please God, tell me I'm not too late._

"Loki?" He called out, pounding on the door. "Loki please open up. I just need to know you're okay."

Nothing.

"Please, Loki. I don't have to stay but I'm not leaving until I see you."

Nothing.

"Brother, please."

When no answer came, Thor pulled his keys out from his pocket. Loki gave him a spare in case of emergency. With a horrible sense of dread pressing down on his chest, Thor put the key in the lock and turned it. The deadbolt turned, the sound echoing like a gunshot through the empty hallway.

Thor hesitated, trying to prepare himself for whatever he might find in the other side and failing miserably. After taking a shaky breath, he turned the knob and pushed.

The place was dark, not a single light on, and his heart sank. If Loki wasn't here, Thor had no idea where else to go. He went in anyway, just to make sure the apartment was empty. Before he could find the light switch, he heard a sound like a muffled sob.

"Loki?"

Now that his eyes were adjusting to the dark, Thor could just make out a shape on the floor in front of the couch. Loki was sitting there, knees pulled up to his chest, arms crossed and resting on top of them. In his hand was not the alcohol bottle Thor might have expected. It was something that looked an awful lot like a gun.

"What are you doing?" Thor whispered, afraid to speak louder.

"Go away Thor. I don't want you here."

"I'm not going anywhere Loki, not now."

Loki made a terrible, broken sounding gasp. "Please go. I can't do this with you here," he sniffed.

"Then don't do it," Thor pleaded. "Whatever's wrong, whatever this is we can work it out."

"No we can't Thor. It can't be worked out." Loki started rubbing the barrel against his temple, and Thor's breath caught in his throat. "I killed her."

It took a moment before he understood but when it happened, the realization hit Thor like a punch to the stomach. What Loki said at the house...

_I know she's dead. And I know whose fault that is._

Thor, along with everyone else probably, thought Loki was blaming their father. But he hadn't said that. He just said he knew who was to blame and for some reason, Loki thought that was him.

"Loki you didn't. It was an accident."

A sad smile formed on Loki's face. He leaned his head back, the dim light coming in around the closed curtains showing up the tear tracks on his cheeks.

"No it was me. She was here that night because dad and I had another fight. She was trying to play peacemaker. I shut her down. I wouldn't listen. God, why didn't I just _listen_?"

Loki screamed the last word, making Thor flinch away. He wouldn't have been surprised if it was followed by the sound of a shot. But the sound never came. Loki kept talking and Thor crept closer, desperately hoping his brother wouldn't notice.

"I told her to go, that I didn't want her here. I said I didn't care about her or dad. She was crying when she left Thor. She's dead and the last thing I did was make her cry."

 _Oh God,_ Thor thought. He didn't know, how could he have? Loki hadn't seen or spoken to them since the day she died. No one knew why. Five whole days he'd done nothing but dwell on his own guilt, drowning in it until he convinced himself it was his fault. Thor was lucky enough to have told their mother he loved her the last time they spoke. Loki didn't even have that to hold on to.

"She knew you loved her Loki," Thor said, his mind scrambling for ways to talk his brother down. "Even when you fought, she knew. And the accident was just an accident. Nobody's fault but the guy who hit her."

Loki was shaking his head. He slid the gun under his chin, aiming it to fire up into his skull and Thor's heart nearly stopped. "She wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for me," Loki insisted. "She wouldn't have come over here at all if I hadn't gotten into it with Dad about my leaving college. I did it on purpose. He's always so condescending and I hate it. I picked the fight and it got out of hand and she came here trying to fix it and I wouldn't let her. Who fucking does that? Who treats their mother like that?"

Thor could only watch as Loki pressed the gun into the flesh under his jaw. Every instinct in his brain was screaming at him to make a grab for it but Loki had the weapon so close to himself and his finger so tight on the trigger there was no way to make sure Loki wouldn't fire accidentally if Thor tried anything.

"Loki please put that thing down. Please," he begged. "I know you miss her and I can't imagine how awful you feel right now but you're right, you can't fix this. Nobody can. Killing yourself won't bring her back and it won't make anything better."

"It won't hurt anymore," Loki replied. His grip on the gun was so tight his hand was shaking. If this went on much longer, it would only take a twitch of his finger and that would be it.

"Maybe that's true," Thor conceded, inching just a tiny bit closer. "But you said you didn't want to hurt anyone else right? In your message, you said you didn't want to hurt anyone anymore. If you do this you _will_ hurt me, Loki. And Dad and everyone else who cares about you."

Fresh tears spilled from Loki's eyes. "But I killed her," he sobbed. "I killed her."

Thor's own eyes were starting to burn with tears but he blinked them away. "No you didn't, Loki. It's not your fault, and she'd hate knowing you think it is. She wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

Loki kept on sobbing, his chest shuddering with the force of it.

"Please don't do this," Thor pleaded. "I know you loved her. She knew it too. You might think you're saving us all from being hurt by you but Loki I promise you, if you take your life you'll only be hurting all of us in the worst way. No one will be better off, least of all you. We already lost Mom. Please don't make me lose you too."

Loki's hand shifted on the pistol and Thor tensed, getting ready to tackle his brother if he had an opening. A horrible keening sound ripped from Loki's throat, a noise so full of anguish that for a second Thor was sure his brother was going to pull the trigger because no one could feel the kind of pain that would produce such a sound and want to go on living. Then the hand holding the gun went slack and Thor lunged forward, snatching it out of Loki's loose grip and tossing it on the far end of the couch. With the weapon safely away, Thor dropped to his knees beside Loki and wrapped his arms around him. Loki clung to him in return, freely weeping into Thor's shirt.

He didn't tell Loki it would be okay or try to hush his crying. Pain demands to be felt and Loki spent the last five days fighting it until he no longer could. There was nothing for it now except to let the wound slowly bleed out until it finally began to clot. Thor just held him, knowing any words would be useless if they were even heard at all.

Things would get better, Thor knew. Slowly, maybe imperceptibly at first, but it would happen. Someday they'll be able to remember their mother without feeling so keenly the pain of her loss. Her absence would no longer be this conspicuous thing that sucked the life out of every room in the house she lived in. In time, the agony of these days would be nothing but a memory.

For now he took solace in knowing he still had his brother. And for Thor, that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.
> 
> P.S. - I made an accidental reference to _The Fault In Our Stars_ by John Green in this fic that I decided to leave in. Did you catch it?


End file.
